Kazza the Blank One

Here's the text..

Cause of Death:
It was found that Dodger had suffered many ailments around the
time of his death. Among these ailments were illnesses, diseases
and injuries and dissabilities. He was obviously severely mentally
deranged, as he tried to committ suicide by overdosing himself
on drugs, pills, chemicals and household goods. He was addictted
to all known drugs, and a few unknown drugs. 4 weeks before his
death, he retired to a cupboard to overdose. His body was used
to overdoses, so it took him a while to die — even though he
had quite a lot of fatal illnesses.

Ailmentss- Illnesses.
Leukeimia, gallstones, gangreen, asthma, hypertension, asphixia,
heart murmur, hay fever, scarlet fever, influenza, nasopharyngitis,
A.I.D.S., salmonella poisoning, laryngitis, cold sores, chicken
pox, cow pox, smallpox, coco pox,dental decay, rubella, tinea,
cholera, typhoid, malaria, diptheria, plague, pharyngitis, Rh
factor, cystic fibrosis, Reye's factor, John's disease, Parkinson's
disease, MS, ostioplorosis, peritonitis, mumps, measles, tetanus
diabetes, anorexia nevosa, bulimia, morbid obesity, insomnia,
excma, heart disease, chillblains, frostbite, tonsilitis, acne,
lumbago, fused vertebra, slipped compact disc, hypothermia, heat
exaustion, alzheimer's disease, leigonaire's disease, rickets, X
leprosey, glandular fever, yellow fever, cardio monopathy,
pitiriusus rosea, colic, skitzofrenia, travel sickness, hypo-
chondria, anemia, rabies, polio, whooping cough, tuberculosis,
hysteria, hydrocephalus, sinusitis, reumatic fever, saint vitus
dance, roseola infantum, osteomyelitis, nephritis, muscular
dystrophy, monoleosis, croup, maloclusion, distemper, conjunctivitis,
bronchitis, hemophilia, ataxia, arthritis, sleeping sickness,
dyslexia, haip — loss, corzya, indigestion, nueralgia, dermatitis,
hiccups, and was hyper active.

Injuries& other disorders.
Had broken bones in various places, nose ripped off, was insane,
was hit by Halley's comet, had warts, dislocated shoulder, pulled
hamstring, sprained ankle, infected ear, watched too much T.V.,
had a shotput in the cerebellum, had a hangover, ingrown toenail,
sunburn, was shot, had a charley horse, couldn‘t spell, had no
manners, had been electrocuted, and needed a bone marrow transplant,
a bone pumpkin transplant and a bone watermelon transplant.
Plus - he needed transplants of every major organ and piano.

He took overdoses of:
cocaine, strepsils, SAB, WD40, KP24, agarol, heroin, alka seltza,
pencil cases, actifed CC, sulphuric acid, brake fluid, zero.hair-
spray, superglue, araldite, dynamite, hand grenades, gelecnite,
TNT, DDT, liquid paper, hashish, crack, angel dust, put a plastic
bag over his head, defender, morning fresh, impulse, duracells,
hydrcohlroric acid, sunburst pineapple juice, double adapters,
dettol, bleach, cement, cooking spray, bathroom plus, plastic
protractors, glass, paint, harpic, migrex pink, chlorine, vodka,
whiskey, scotch, rum, gin, ice cream, mosquitos, pottassium
carbonate,petrol, turps, metho, fabulon, brasso, furniture polish,
lead oxide, zinc oxide, west coast cooler, itty bitty bins, valium,
palarimine, multivitamins, chalk, candles, tyre blackener, dandruff
foam, flea powder, rubber bands, Christmas cards, socks, arsenic,
ratsac, cockroach baitS, cyanide, lemon pepper seasoning, pepsi,
phenophlelein, zippers, cornflakes, bus passes,glad wrap and KFC,

Actually that text has plenty of typos, wonder if I tried to OCR it at some point. Some time last year ABC Classic FM played a version of Who Killed Cock Robin which sounded an awful lot like this. I wonder if that's where Ann got the inspiration...

http://www.shoalhaven.net.au/~mwsmith/cockrobin.html

(c) 1979 Martin Wesley-Smith, Peter Wesley-Smith

Cock Robin is dead.
He died early this morning after suffering from
loss of balance, tremors, and convulsions.
An enquiry is being held into the cause of death ...

Cock Robin is dead!
Cock Robin is dead!
Who killed Cock Robin?

Was it you? Not I, said the Fly

Was it you? Not I, said the Fish
Nor me, said the Caterpillar

Was it you? Not I, said the Owl,
and the Bull,
and the Wren,
and the Thrush,
and the Lark,
and the Dove,
and the Rook,
and the Sparrow

Was it you?

All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin

Cock Robin is dead!
Cock Robin is dead!

Who saw him die?

I, said the Fly, with my little eye
I saw him die

All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin

Flora the Fly

My name is Flora the Fly
Commonly known as Flo Fly the Blow Fly

It's nice to be a little fly
Zooming up into the sky
Or buzzing down into a rubbish bin
Then dragging filthy feet through someone's margarin

Ev'ry opportunity I seizes
To spread my wings and scatter vile diseases
It therefore really comes as no surprise
That people try to kill us little flies

(Flee Flo Fly away
Here comes a man with a can of spray)

We long ago developed a resistance
To pesticides that threatened our existence
Now we can digest them easily
I have them for my morning DDT

People often sterilise
Lots of harmless male flies
In the hope that with their filthy X-rays
They'll put us off our normal happy sex-ways

(Oh Flora, I jest adore ya
You are so divine - oh Flora, please be mine
You turn me on, baby, like no other fly does
Oh Flora, sweetie-pie, you give me such a buzz
Oh Flo Fly: blow fly sublime)

It's nice to be a little fly
Zooming up into the sky
There's really only one thing that I fear:

(What?)

The swat!

Who'll do the analysis?

I, said the Fish, that is my wish
I'll do the analysis

All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin

Freddie the Fish
[lyric by Peter Wesley-Smith]

Said Freddie the Fish
Were I granted a wish
I would make an official decree:
"I don't swim in your closet
So please don't deposit
Your untreated sew'age on me"

Cock Robin is dead!
Cock Robin is dead!

Who'll write the report?

I, said the Cat -
- erpillar, I'll do that
I'll write the report

All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin

I'm a Caterpillar of Society (Not a Social Butterfly)
[Note: another version of this song appears in Boojum!]

I'm a Caterpillar of Society
(Not a Social Butterfly)
I can run, jump, fight, wheel a barrow, ride a bike
Let me explain the reason why:
I have a very healthy appetite
And I eat up all my greens
Such as cabbage, lettuce, peas and celery
Cucumbers and beans
Here I go:
Munch, crunch (ah, delicious!)
Chomp chomp (and so nutritious!)
Munch crunch
Here's a bean about to be a has-been
In you go!
You see, it's succulently juicy (ah, magnifico!)
See the dribble - it only takes a nibble
I'm red, black and yellow
A fine-looking fellow
All because I eat my greens

I'm a Caterpillar of Variety
I can juggle and sing and joke
As well as run, jump, fight, wheel a barrow, ride a bike
I am a clever kind of bloke
As a dancer I am dynamite
When I don my dancing shoes
I can disco, tango, jive and rock'n'roll
Just read my reviews
Here I go:
It's a beautiful waltz (on tippy-toe!)
It's beautiful schmaltz (what a show!)
I can do somersaults (magnifico!)
I can tap, I'm a clever kind of chap!
I'm red, black and yellow
A fine-looking fellow
All because I eat my greens

I'm a Caterpillar of Anxiety
For I am hunted like a thief
Though I can run, jump, fight, wheel a barrow, ride a bike
I have to hide beneath a leaf
It's because I'm so delectable
All the birds want me to eat
I have to watch out - SLURP!!

In fact he was a Caterpillar of Adversity
He was getting iller ev'ry day
No longer could he run, jump, fight, wheel a barrow, ride a bike
For him the skies were always grey
It was because of all the pesticides
That were sprayed on all his greens
Such as DDE, DDA, DDD, and DDT ...

Post-mortem report:

Petroica phoenicia, male, commonly known as Cock Robin.
Cause of death: insecticidal poisoning.
Analysis of body tissues revealed large quantities of
1, 1, 1-trichloro-2, 2-di (four chlorophenyl) ethane,
commonly known as DDT.
Also present were measurable amounts of:

maleic hydrazide
aminotriazole
urethane
parathion
endrosulphan
benzene hexachloride
lindane
toxaphene
lead
dioxins
cyanides
mercury
methoxychlor
heptachor
aldrin
endrin
dieldrin
chlordane
2,4-D
TCDD
2,4,5-T
IPC
and CIPC
blank
RIP !!

All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin
When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin

LONG LIVE COCK ROBIN