Life in Reverse

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Stolen shamlessly from SMH, although I'm quite sure they weren't the first to use it..

There is meta-whingeing and there is micro-whingeing, and it seems to me that most of the frustration reported to Heckler falls into the latter category. I would like to complain about the low standard of whingeing and move to the new level where we can complain about the essential nature of life itself.

The key problem with the human condition is that it ends badly - we die. If you're not a believer, there's not that much to look forward to.

What can we do about it? It's obvious, really. Simply reverse the cycle of life and die first. That gets a somewhat risky and uncertain experience out of the way and, as any good Buddhist will tell you, an awareness of the reality of death contributes to objectivity and inner harmony.

A key religious issue is overcome. We can't be sent to hell because we haven't had time to do anything wrong yet. The only downside is that we may have to wear the cost of the funeral.

Now we are old. We live in a retirement village where our every need is supplied. During this time our health improves, as does our temperament. Soon we are kicked out of the retirement village because we are too young; we spend time on a golf course; we are given a gold watch and sent to work where we can actually use it.

Those of us of a certain age know that a prosthesis is never quite as good as the real thing. With the reverse lifecycle model, as the years pass we get the opportunity to thoughtfully dispose of various prosthetic items we no longer need such as dentures, hearing aids and spectacles.

We work for 40 years; growing younger and younger each year and forced to accept less and less responsibility until eventually we become far too immature for gainful employment.

In relationships, we start with a messy divorce but things gradually improve. We soon find ourselves enjoying a large house, three cars, a compliant companion and even, briefly, some passion.

During this time, irritating, expensive teenage offspring become cheaper, better behaved, eventually cute and finally not at all.

Education begins with a degree and a huge debt that progressively reduces, terminating at the end of three years of fun. We party and drink lots of alcohol - an ideal preparation for sexual experimentation. How much better our first sex would be if only we had been more experienced.

Life goes on, and just when it seemed it couldn't get any better than this, we enter our school years, where we spend more and more time playing and less time learning until it's all play and we get to sing silly songs.

Our parents start to dote on us. They lavish more and more attention on us until it is eventually time for us to return to the womb.

Where does it all end? Well after nine blissful months floating, there's a fair chance we could finish our lives in one gigantic orgasm. And at last life makes some kind of sense.

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Kazza's "Boring Life Of a Geek" aka BLOG

IT geek, originally from Sydney, moved to Canberra in 2007. Married to "the sweetie", aka Stu. Prolific photographer, Lego junkie and tropical fish keeper.

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